(Diary) Week 41: There's No Backing Out
Excuse me, where's the exit?
Welcome to my diary. These are entires I wrote during my own pregnancy. What you’re about to read is unfiltered, unedited, and perhaps a bit uncanny. But these are my raw feelings written in real-time. Everyone’s perspective and journey is different. This is mine.
Jen Glantz here.
Last week, I welcomed in week 40 of pregnancy. I watched the baby’s due date go by. I entertained daily “when is this baby coming” questions from family and friends.
It all got me thinking:
I really don’t know if I can actually do this.
More on that “back out” strategy below.
Some quick things I loved this week:
❤️ My mom sent me this article on setting boundaries when the baby arrives. It’s something I hope I’m able to do.
❤️ Products that I fell in love with this week:
-This cream was a lifesaver during pregnancy. I put it on my belly every night and the smell is amazing.
-In case I need formula as a back-up, this is the brand I bought to have handy.
-This swing from 4Moms is the baby item I can’t wait to use when the baby arrives. It’s all set up and ready to go!
**I made a bunch of detailed lists of all the things I bought for pregnancy, postpartum, and for the baby. Here’s where you can eyeball / share these lists with anyone who needs them**
❤️I wrote an article for TLC about why I kept my pregnancy a secret for so long.
❤️I’ve been spending time spilling my thoughts on TikTok. Watch some of that fun stuff right here!
There’s No Backing Out
Adam tells me there’s no backing out now.
And when he says those words, I take a mental trip to the last time in my life I ran for the exit doors, pushed them open, and got out of a situation that made my skin rattle with fear.
It was 7-years-ago. I was at Universal Studios with an old friend. She wanted to ride this upside down rollercoaster but I’m scared of rollercoasters, especially ones that loop you around. But I agreed to go, because I figured in the 2-hours it took us to wait for our turn on the ride, I’d find bravery.
When we made it to the front of the line, my friend sat down in her seat and they strapped her in.
It was my turn. It was go-time.
My cheeks became dewy. I CAN’T DO THIS!
“You can’t back out! I’m already strapped in. Just sit down!”
But before I could say sorry and explain myself, I turned my back, located the exit, and ran away.
Months later, that friend stopped speaking to me. I don’t think it was because I backed out of the ride, but maybe that was part of it.
I’m good at saying yes to things that scare me. Most of the time, I show up, ride it out, and get through it.
That was the last time, in a long time, I just couldn’t.
When Adam says:
It’s too late to back out now.
I feel myself sitting down on the ride, having some stranger strap me in, feeling cold air blow across my face as the cart starts to move down the tracks, and I wonder how my body will survive being tossed around like it’s one of those inflatable tubes you see outside of car dealerships.
I can’t get off this ride. I can’t hunt for an exit. I can’t climb down the stairs.
As much as I’m scared, as anxious as I feel, there is no backing out.
When the time comes, I have to exhale, I have to give in, I have to get through this.
And I will, it’s just I feel like I’m back at the front of the line for that ride, and my eyes are looking for a way out, but my heart is telling me that I don’t need to find one.
Not this time, at least.