(Diary) Week 39: I'm Waiting For You
Any minute now, right?
Welcome to my diary. These are entires I wrote during my own pregnancy. What you’re about to read is unfiltered, unedited, and perhaps a bit uncanny. But these are my raw feelings written in real-time. Everyone’s perspective and journey is different. This is mine.
Jen Glantz here. I’m in a really weird place right now. It feels my entire life is playing out inside the waiting room at the DMV. I can go into labor at any second. I can also not. My water could break before i’m done writing this. It could also not.
I’m scared to walk too much. I’m scared to eat spicy foods. I’m scared to bounce on my pregnancy ball because what if….I go into labor?
During my first visit with the doctor at 8-weeks, she did an ultrasound and told me that yes, there is a baby in there. We talked, and talked, and talked, and before she showed us the door, she asked if we had any questions.
“It’s not a question,” I started. “I’m just scared of giving birth.”
“Well, that’s sort of the end game, isn’t it?”
She told me we’d figure it all out when the time came. But the time is now. And well, there’s not much I can really figure out except that at any second, in the next few days, I could into labor.
Until then, it feels like I’m sitting on a plastic chair, in a waiting room, at the DMV, waiting for them to call my number.
My hands are sweaty and I can’t stop bouncing my legs.
I could use a few more days, or years.
But the time is up.
So I’ll sit here and wait for someone to scream:
Some quick things I loved this week:
❤️ I’m truly so grateful for all the love that I’ve received from people who I hardly know or who I haven’t spoken to in years. Sharing my pregnancy journey wasn’t easy. It took me 8-months to share the news with 90% of the people in my life. I’m beyond thankful every time someone emails or messages me a comment, their own story, or even a piece of advice. It feels good not to feel so alone. So, thank you.
❤️ Products that I fell in love with this week:
Nestig 3-in-1 crib. It’s perfect, right now, for our small space and it can expand and grow with us and the baby overtime. So well made! Only downside is it took a few months for it to arrive.
Frida Mom Postpartum Kit. A friend got me this as a gift and I really feel like it’ll be an awesome thing to have when I get home from the hospital.
❤️A few weeks ago, I did a maternity photoshoot which is so hypocritical of me. I swore I’d never do one. I told friends I thought they were cheesy. But at week 37 of being pregnant, I felt this urge to capture the moment, to capture my body, to capture the emotions I was feeling during it all. I’m so glad I did. Sharing the photos right here.
❤️Early on in my pregnancy journey, I decided I didn’t want a baby shower or a registry or a pile of gifts. BUT there was one thing I wanted and that’s what I asked my friends and family for. Here’s what it was and why I thought it would be the perfect gift for someone like me…someone SO scared to be a mom.
❤️I’ve been spending time spilling my thoughts on TikTok. Watch some of that fun stuff right here!
This baby knows so much about me already.
For the past 9-months, she’s learned my deepest, darkest, secrets. She’s tagged along with me, everywhere, every second of the day.
She was there with me when I filmed Access Hollywood in September, went to Montana in October, California in November, Florida in December.
She’s tuned into Zoom calls where I sit up straight, slap on lipstick, and try to prove to some stranger why I’m worth their time, and their money.
She’s eavesdropped on phone calls with friends, and questioned the humor of overshared inside jokes that invade her tummy space with pings of laughter.
She held on tightly when I went to the hospital, after falling on my stomach, after fearing I hurt her in a way I never wanted to.
She knows how stubborn I am, except for when I get goo-goo eyes for a person. How I slowly back down, step away, give in, when I love them.
Nobody knows me as well as she does. And soon, she’ll see me.
It’s like meeting a pen pal for the first time.
And I know she knows i’m scared, but when she sees me, I want her to know that I’m also so happy. I want her, more than anything, to be foolishly happy.
Just like I was.
Just like sometimes, after all I’ve survived, I can still be.
And so I’ve promised myself that when I find out she’s on her way, I will match every moment of fear with a moment of love and joy because that’s what I want her to feel when she looks into my eyes, when I see my baby, and when she sees me, for the first time, after a long time, of getting to know each other, with our eyes closed.
Just love, and joy.