(Diary) Week 37: How You Deal With Everything

The week I finally figured it out.

Welcome to my diary. These are entires I wrote during my own pregnancy. What you’re about to read is unfiltered, unedited, and perhaps a bit uncanny. But these are my raw feelings written in real-time. Everyone’s perspective and journey is different. This is mine.

Dear Friend,

I finally figured it out.

When we’re faced with humongous things in life, we listen to how other people tell us we must handle it:
-Stay positive
-Be more chill
-Don’t be so scared
-It won’t be that bad
-Know it will all work out

Shhhhh. Let me be, me.

We walk inside our own patterns. Mine are squiggly lines.

Whenever I face something that seems impossible, I do this:
-Panic
-Obsess over every single detail
-Intensely overthink how everything could go wrong
-Plan for the best and triple plan for the worst
-Cry
-Laugh
-Give into an urge to talk about it constantly, especially to the wall
-Doubt I’ll ever survive it, I’ll ever get through any of it

I was talking to my friend about running, how when I used to prepare for long long runs, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I sweat through my sheets. I thought about the ways I’d probably give up halfway through, how disappointed I’d be, how I’d have to console myself, just to continue to be myself, afterward.

But then I’d wake up, lace up my shoes, and go.

I never give up. I always pull through. I have faced the kind of stuff in life that should ruined me, it didn’t, I came back a stronger and better person.

I know who I am. I know what I’ve done. I know what I’m capable of.

Is having a baby scary to me? Yes. Is giving birth an unimaginable fear of mine? Absolutely. Have I handled this all in the way you think I should have? No.

I’ve handled it like Jen Glantz does, like she always does.

I’m proud. I’m resilient. I’m a fierce fighter with a courageous heart and a brave right hook.

This baby might come today, or next week, or in a month.

I’m ready.