(Diary) Week 36: Say What You Need to Say
But make sure you believe it.
Welcome to my diary. These are entires I wrote during my own pregnancy. What you’re about to read is unfiltered, unedited, and perhaps a bit uncanny. But these are my raw feelings written in real-time. Everyone’s perspective and journey is different. This is mine.
Dear friend,
Jen here. I’m 36-weeks pregnant. Braxton hicks contractions are making me jolty. I’ve had so much pizza this week that the baby is probably wondering if all there is on earth is pizza. No, baby. But that’s one of the best parts of earth.
I can’t wait to tell you about a powerful conversation I had this week. My friend shared the contact information of her doula. We did a phone session that was all around comfort birthing (details below).
I also write this about the three types of breaths she taught me to practice now for labor.
Some quick things I loved this week:
Everyone told me to buy this night light. So I bought the night light.
I got this outfit for post-labor days.
This song. Oh, I need a labor playlist. Help!!!
Ps. I made a TikTok for Scared to Be a Mom.
-Jen Glantz (still kind of scared to be a mom)
I'm 36-weeks pregnant and every single time I think I'm going to be okay, that I'll get through all of this stuff, my mind throws a temper tantrum.
One half of me believes that I can get through anything. I have survived horrible things before.
But the other part of me, pounds and pushes forward, as if to say:
Not this though.
A friend hands me a business card of a woman who helped her when she was pregnant.
Give her a call. Talk to her. What do you have to lose?
I have already lost so much. My sense of self, control of my thoughts, any sense of comfort about what is going to happen to me in just a matter of days.
So I pick up the phone and tell this woman the facts:
I'm Jen Glantz. I'm 36-weeks pregnant. And I'm really scared.
Scared? She says. Yes, but what else?
Feelings come in pairs. They surround themselves with company.
We cling to one emotion. We don't stick our hand out and introduce ourselves to all the other parts of our heart that we've brought to our very own pity party.
Hopeful. Nervous. Curious. Anxious. Proud....I am really proud of myself.
She tells me I need these things called affirmations. I need to start saying things like:
I can get through birth calmy and comfortably.
I am meant to give birth and I can do this.
But what if I don’t believe those things? What if I don’t believe I will be okay? What if I live my life married to the constant idea of what if….
Let me ask you this. She settles into my negativity. Has there ever been a time where things didn’t happen as you planned or hoped?
Yes.
And did you find a way to survive? Did you get through it?
Yes.
So fine. Don’t say those words. But please, find words that you can say to yourself that you believe.
I think about the last 34-years of my life. The invisible dragons I have fought. The fire I have swallowed. The curses I have broken.
I don’t let myself down.
I accomplish anything I set my mind to.
I do not give up.
I am tough. I am strong. I am unbreakable.
I get through impossible moments. I always feel stronger.
Before I go, she tells me something I need to hear:
Everything you feel, she feels.
I don’t want my baby to feel scared. I don’t want her to know that her mom is stumbling through the days. I don’t want her to question whether or not I love her.
I want her to know that I am somebody who is strong, resilient, powerful, brave.
If I want her to know this, I must say this. I must feel this. I must do this. I must believe this.
And I do.
Hear that mental temper tantrums? I am tougher than you. I will win.