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(Diary) Week 28: You're All Lying to Me
Even you, Jessica.
Welcome to my diary. These are entires I wrote during my own pregnancy. What you’re about to read is unfiltered, unedited, and perhaps a bit uncanny. But these are my raw feelings written in real-time. Everyone’s perspective and journey is different. This is mine.
Things people have said to me during my pregnancy that I know are probably true but right now feel like a giant lie:
You’re not the first person who has ever given birth. You’ve got this.
Okay, fine. That’s obviously true. BUT have any of them ever been this scared? No? How do you know? Did you ask all of them? Did you collect data on how many panic attacks they had during pregnancy? And so what? I’m not the first, fine. But I am somebody who is about to give birth and is wondering wtf is going to happen. I’m behind on my work because I’m watching YouTube videos of the worst things that can happen to you during labor and delivery. Are you REALLY sure I’ve got this?
People have been doing this for centuries - and with less than you have.
Yeah, I know. Also, true. But you would think that by now, it would be easier to understand this whole entire thing. That society wouldn’t view parts of labor or postpartum as taboo to talk about. That I wouldn’t have to beg mom friends to tell me details that the books and my own health care provider completely forgot to mention. That women would way more maternity leave. You know, that kind of stuff.
Everything will be okay. You will be fine.
But how do you know? And what if I’m not? Okay and every time someone told me everything would be okay, it was absolutely not okay. So call me a skeptic but I’m having a hard time repeating some mantra that sounds like it’s from a Dr. Seuss book that it will all be okay the end and if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.
The second you see the baby, everything will make complete sense. You will know what to do.
You’re telling me that a person who has never held a newborn, changed a diaper, or spent more than 15-minutes with a baby before will know what to do?
Your body was made to do this. It knows what to do.
But it still sounds painful. It still seems like your body will never be the same again. It certainly appears that my body listens to my brain more than anything else and my brain is saying: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.
No mom knows what she’s doing - you just figure it out.
From this perspective, all of you moms know what you are doing. I just don’t know how the heck you figured it out.
Right after you give birth, you forget how bad birth is and you will want to do it again.
Come on, really? You’re telling me that I will somehow forget the most intense, scary, strange, painful moment of my life? I know I’m a deprecating mess of a human who likes to make life harder than it has to be, but this just sounds absurd.
Being scared is normal.
If you want me to believe this one, you have to give me more oomph.
Your hormones are making you this way. It’s not you.